Arhra Mor

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 22:25:31 GMT

What a cruel joke it is that i am forced out of my dreams every morning and thrust back in to i world i have come to loathe. What is the point of it all? Why are we here? Does it really matter if I know the reasons behind the Baptism of Clovis, or the true meaning of a bunch of shitty poems from 300 years ago? Clearly working for some corporation to make a bunch of greedy fuckers a lot of money is even worse. What else is there to do? Is there a point to anything we are forced to do every fucking day of our lives? Fuck this.. i'm going back to sleep.. much nicer there.

First day of school

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 02:52:06 GMT

Today was a day of mixed blessings. I'm not exactly sure how I felt about my first day at school, but i'll relate to you the short version of the ups and downs.

First off, it is retardedly busy *everywhere*. I have never seen buses so packed, and i thought i might have to fight someone for a seat in my classes. Langara decided it would be a good idea to rip up over half of the parking lot so a hundred or so more people are taking the bus to school. I spent more time waiting for the buses and waiting in line to buy my books and my bus pass than i did actually sitting in class. Needless to say i was a little frustrated and seriously needing personal space by the time i got home.

Aside from that, when I was actually in my classes i think i liked them for the most part. Most of my classmates are really young and judging by what i've heard in class discussions so far i don't have much hope for them in the future. My teachers are so so, i don't dislike any of them yet; although, i think my history teacher Mr. Brill is pretty cool. I think it's gonna really hurt my brain to have 4 hours of straight lecture/class time. Though i will appreciate being home more and spending less time in the cafeteria bored as hell and eating all my money.

Funny.. when i mention money i can't help but feel a slight twinge in my stomach. I'm not exactly sure why it's bothering me so much but i've been stressing out over money all day. By all rights there should be enough, and that could be supplemented with an easy job on the side. Perhaps it's actually getting the job that is stressing me out as i remember working as a horrible experience.

I'm also starting to stress out a little about the upcoming move. Wondering if i'll be able to find a place and when I should start looking and getting dates figured out. Wondering if i can get into UCFV, how do i go about getting there and when should i start trying to get the paper work done. Wondering if we'll have enough money come moving time. Dreading having to carry all this shit around on stairs.

It didn't take me long to get back into "home life". I do feel like my vacation allow me to gain different perspectives and hopefully valuable insights; however, the change was not substantial enough to make it feel like i'm getting a new start on life. New starts are one of the many things i'm addicted to. Frank and I have both apparently taken up cooking recently and the kitchen has become a little overwhelming. "The contents of your fridge glower at you dubiously - It looks like a hard fight, but you could probably win."

I almost think my vacation hurt me in a way because it was so fucking cool that the stresses of home seem that much more evident. But I think it did give me enough room that I was able to analyze my life from a different view, and now I feel more capable able navigating around this existence, whatever it is supposed to be.

Vacation and soon to be lack thereof

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 19:17:22 GMT

Since I got out of school last semester i have had a pretty damned cool vacation. I have gotten to spend a lot of time away from home, which i believe was needed. I am a creature of change and i feel very uncomfortable staying in one spot too long. I find myself dreading going back to school because i know in contrast it will seem like i never do anything. Warcraft is a great game, but it just simply isn't something i feel i should be doing 9 hours every day. I want to make an effort to spend more time with friends outside of Azeroth during the next semester. I am really looking forward to the school part of things though. I really think that i will be able to apply myself and get good grades, possibly some grants/scholarships. The only thing i need to do is grow some willpower, because most of my life i've possessed little to none.

During my vacation i have consumed enough substances to kill an ox or possibly a baby elephant. I have really enjoyed it, but i can't help but wonder what condition my body is in. I think once i get back to school i'm going to try to go straight edge for a while.. let my body detox a little. Once again it comes back to the willpower issue, i really need to address that. I just can't say no to myself! I'm so cute! ;) Nikki and i developed a system to help us smoke less bud.. but i think we both forgot about it for a last little while. I think that smoking is the most important thing for me to quit for a while, my lungs are in horrible shape. However, this plan does not take effect until the 5th, so i still have a week or so of irresponsible freedom. On that note, i must go to Josh and Natalie's wedding today and see how much beer one can possibly consume!

Struggling to become

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 22:35:01 GMT

Lately i have been making an effort both to assert my independance as well as act more responsibly. A potentially catastrophic chain of events made me think of change.. i became curious about what i would be like if i hadn't spent the last 5 years of my life without Nikki. Now don't get me wrong, i love Nikki and i am genuinely happy about where we are in the relationship, but that doesn't help me answer the question: Who am I? This question can be very difficult to answer if one has become accustomed to thinking about themselves as "we" like i have. I know that i can be a happy, energetic and jovial person.. so why did i slip into a trancelike routine that alienated me from many of the things i enjoy? Clearly, World of Warcraft and Everquest are both addictions like nobody has ever seen, and i think i could put a good chunk of the blame on that topic. Also, while some people may find my ranting poigant and entertaining, it certainly doesn't do much to help me see the bright side of things. In any case, i'm glad to have recognized the negative pattern and i hope i have the willpower and clarity of mind to keep it from happening again. The world is a much better place if you appreciate what it has to offer you. :)

My Sunshine

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 23:34:59 GMT

I lay upon the ground
underneath an open sky
I stare into the golden sun
to burn it's image in my eye

So even when it's gone
in my mind I see it clear
to have it's vision stray from me
has to be my deepest fear

In awe of all it's brilliance
warmed by it's loving rays
burned by it's intensity
I melt under it's gaze

I long to hold it close to me
I'd welcome any pain
I love it unconditionally
I wonder if it feels the same

Yet a part of me is frightened
for i know it isn't tame
I wonder if I get to close
will my wings burst into flame?

Or will it smile and welcome me
and help me rise above
leave the cold dark earth behind
and warm my heart with love

Now I'm frozen with uncertainty
but with a deep breath i stand tall
I'd rather die a thousand deaths
than not see my sun at all

Managers suck

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 02:05:14 GMT

It's really funny that the same day that volatilespace was bullied by her manager the same thing happened to me. I'm generally a pretty easy going guy but there are certain things i don't put up with, this being one of them. I took the rest of the day off work and i'm going in to talk to the union on monday. If I don't get what i want from that, i'm out. I needed some motivation to get back to school anyway, and "the fear" is the best thing.

I wanna conquer the world

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 23:44:58 GMT

If i ruled the world..
- A week would consist of 3 days of work and 2 days of school for everyone, your whole life
- People deemed to stupid to continue school will be shot
- School bullies will be flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails during pep rallies
- You get to choose what you want to do for work, not the employers
- All major corporations would be required to give 30% of their net gain to charity.
- All cheaters and dishonest business people will have their tongue and eyes cut out.
- Drugs will be legalized and alcohol will be banned (People who demonstrate the lack of self restraint will be weeded out naturally)
- All bars will be closed and revamped into drug induced orgy houses.
- All homeless drug addicts will be supplied with enough drugs to OD
- The old politicians will be in charge of 'cleaning up the streets'. IE dragging dead homeless people out of the ditches and alleys.
- All manner of guns will be melted down and made into close combat weapons
- Duels will become legal, so don't talk shit your ass can't cash
- I will personally judge all manner of musicians and those found with no talent will be forced to work at fast food restaurants the rest of their lives.
- The media will no longer be able to show news about fear, death, and catastrophe. (But i will still be able to)
- Three words 'NO FAT CHICKS'
- All manner of government shall be dissolved and a fuedal system will ensue with me as the king.
- President Bush will become my personal punching bag
- Third world countries and other places of poverty will be denied assistance and nature will be allowed to resume it's course.
- World trade and travel will be abolished, everyone will be required to fend for themselves.
- The ugly, stupid and retarded will be killed in order to purify our races genes. Note that this only applies to those born with the disability.
- Religion will be allowed to continue (surprised you didn't i!!). However anyone who is found preaching or attempting to convert another person will receive a frontal labotomy.
- All manner of cheap gross food will be destoyed, and all the good food will be reduced in price to be the new cheap stuff.
- All trains, planes and automobiles will be destroyed and everyone will be required to either walk or learn to ride an animal.
- All sorts of animals will be trained as mounts! I wanna ride a panther!

That's all for now! Man i'm so hyped up now i gotta start in on my plan to take over.

Neat

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 20:48:41 GMT

This is the first time one of these silly little astrological thingies have proved to be the least bit accurate.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Words to live by

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 00:20:58 GMT

i've said it before, and i'll say it again. Denis Leary knows what life is really about.

"Some people say.. life sucks, and then you die. I disagree. I think life sucks.. and then you get cancer. Then you go into kemotherapy and lose all your hair and feel bad about yourself. Then one day the cancer goes into remission, you get out of bed, you look good, you feel good, then you suddenly have a stroke and can't move your right side. Then one day you step off the curb at 34th and main and get hit by a bus.. and the *maybe* you die... if your lucky." Denis Leary!

hahaha so true!!

Wrong Century

Fri, 26 Nov 2004 00:14:48 GMT

I really think i was born in the wrong time. I would be much happier being born back in the medieval times, or at least at some time before the media. I think the biggest problem we face nowadays is the fact the media controls everything, even people's minds (spooky i know, but true). I also think that the open travel and communication between countries is a bad idea. People need to be left alone, to do what they like doing, without some other guys coming and telling them they should be doing something else. Like if the US would just GET THE FUCK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S COUNTRIES, there wouldn't be nearly as many people killed recently.
Now every time i mention how cool it would be to live back then, people always say well there weren't medicines and blah blah blah. I don't really care. I would rather live a 30 year honest life as a blacksmith, than have to put up with 90 years of retardation from the people alive today.

Kindred Spirit

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 04:11:48 GMT

"Some say the end is near, some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will, cuz i sure could use a vacation from this
bullshit, three ring circus sideshow of freaks"
'Aenima' Tool

I think Maynard is one of the few people that can rant better than me, and he does it with so much style! I love this song

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 23:00:49 GMT

Weekend was good. I finally felt like i had some free time, and that i used it well. Leave it to monday to remind me just how little free time i actually have and how screwed up my life has become. Procrastination is the devil, and it seems a disease that affects almost all of our generation. It is time for my life to change. Away from a life of trying to escape life, and towards trying to bite and claw my way into decent one. The amount of money i smoke seems silly when i'm pressed with the thought of not being able to afford food. How many meals could i stretch from the cost of 1 pack of cigs? Time to grow up. As of late i actually have been feeling a little more grown up in the fact that i finally have the desire to own stuff. I don't care what it is, i just want 'stuff'. Solid objects that i can look at and say i bought that, or made it.

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 19:55:59 GMT

I would like to apologize if i got anyone down with my ranting. Everything in the rant is true, and i stand by it, i'm just not as vehement about it. Work is not your whole life, even though it may seem that way sometimes. Work always sucks, but you need to try to enjoy the rest of your time to balance it out instead of sitting around bitching about it :P I'm generally good at sucking it up but.. i didn't have sex for a couple days before that post >:)

I've been thinking a lot about WoW lately and decided that i am really not interested in pouring my whole life into an mmorpg. I do still intend on playing, but maybe only once or twice a week. Therefore i need to give up leadership of our guild to someone more deserving and wanting. Hmmm....

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 08:16:57 GMT

It's now time for a rant of epic proportions. I feel myself getting older and more bitter by the hour. My enthusiasm for that which entertains me in failing. The fact that i care is slipping away as well. Am i really doomed to a life of eternally getting shit on? No matter what i do, nothing gets better, nothing changes. Every time i take a step forward something or someone fucks me and i end up three steps back. I'm now working at a job that has all but destroyed my social life. I get to see maybe a couple of my friends on a weekend, but there is so little time i end up seeing people roughly once a month. My sleeping patterns make it so i am *always* tired, and i'm always at a loss for something to do when i do get spare time. Now you'd think with all these things my job forces upon me i'd at least make some money.. but no. that isn't the case. Money always disappears and i find myself not being able to afford food let alone cool stuff. So what choice do i have? I can't quit my job, and if i get a different job i won't even be able to afford rent. I'm forced to wake up every morning just wanting to stay in bed. Every day i'm assaulted with an unending barrage of shit.

A friend of mine told me the other day that i smoke too much pot. What is too much pot? Who's the guy that determined what is the right amount? Personally i think being high 24/7 is one of the only ways to cushion the fact that this entire fucking society is screwed up. At least when i'm high i don't notice myself getting raped by corporate fucktards. My new outlook is, do as many drugs as you can possibly afford, because every second that you are not sober is better than putting up with the every day merry-go-round of stupid.

Does anyone else notice that in this society we are nothing but cattle? We are tagged when we are born, kept track of our entire life. Forced into servitude, getting scraps for our efforts. There are so many things you aren't supposed to do that no one can remember even half of them. I constantly hear leaders spewing out this idea of 'freedom'. For centuries we have strived for freedom, but no matter what we do, there is always some fucking asshole that will jump on the opportunity to take advantage of others. Let me tell you this, not one of the people reading this is free, and you never will be. We are nothing but lemmings, doomed to crash headlong through this human world and never find a reward that is worth the shit we have to put up with.

I think there is one way to turn this all around. To most people the idea is horrible but it puts a smile on my face. We need a catastrophe so horrible, that it destroys all semblance of the society we have built. Sending the small amount of survivors back to the beginning of life, and hopefully they won't fuck it up so badly next time.

My epic adventure

Sun, 08 Aug 2004 13:32:06 GMT

It started off simply enough. Take a trip out to burnaby to visit a friend and check out the movie he was shooting with some friends. Little did i know what was in store for me when i set out on this trek, after i got off work on friday at midnight.

My first bus/sky train trip to burnaby went flawlessly. That was unfortunately marred by me getting completely fucking lost and walking up and down hills until 3am until i finally found Jesse's house. When i got there, Jesse informed me that everyone had already went to sleep and i should do the same as we were getting up at 8am. One thing he failed to mention was the complete lack of any sleeping friendly space in his entire house. So i spent the night on a hardwood floor. That mixed with being still a little wound up from work and the trip, made it completely impossible to fall asleep. So I spent the night listening to Pigface, Pantera, Arch Enemy and Nine Inch Nails while staring at a dimly lit and very boring ceiling.

Saturday morning everyone starts getting up, and it turns out we aren't shooting anywhere near Jesse's place, but actually headed out into the woods in a secluded park way up in North Vancouver. While in my uneducated opinion, most of the actors were complete weiners and total wannabes, they were all decently cool people. Though there was one actor named Adam who was just awesome all the way around, and an amazing though somewhat neurotic cinematographer, Tanner. Anyways, we start shooting at about 10 o clock and i'm dead tired to begin with. At around 2pm the sleep dep kicked in and i was blessed by crazy color effects, tracers and random peripheral illusions. So while at that point i had no interest in moving, it was a very cheap high.

So the plan at this point is to stop shooting at around 6 and head home. At which point i was going to grab my bag from Jesse's and head back to richmond. Instead of that, Jesse decides it would be a good idea to go party at someone's house in West Van. So we hung out there for a few hours talking about unbelievably boring film shit, which i obviously wasn't interested in. Then when we are about to head home, somebody in a drunken haze remembers the finale of the fireworks was on. After MUCH dicking around and being stupid, we leave the house at 10 o clock, walk for 45 minutes down to horseshoe bay, to arrive at our viewing spot 5 minutes after the fireworks ended. So i'm thinking ok now we go? Nope, we sit on a log and get destroyed off the largest blunt i've ever smoked. After that, we FINALLY decide to go. The group parts leaving Jesse, myself and another old friend, neither of the 3 of us having any idea where the fuck we are or where to get where we're going. So we walk 5-6 block along the main drag until we see a bus that says Vancouver on we hop on. Little did we know we would have made it to Van a lot faster if we would have walked. Although if we had walked, we would have missed the 4 drunk guys trying to get kicked off the bus, but couldn't because we were stuck in traffic in the centre lane. Queue up 15 minutes of yelling profanities, perverted phrases, hitting on every girl and even at one point on guy whipping his dick out for all to see. When we finally get downtown i decide fuck all this bull shit, i'm gonna cut my losses and get to the bus stop early so i can finally get some sleep.

So i get to the bus stop at 11:30pm, and wait.. and wait.. and wait.. and smoke over a pack a cigarettes, and wait some more. Finally, a bus comes, YES! And it drives right by, to full to fit anyone else on. So i wait some more.. and more.. and more.. finally at around 1:20, i realize i ain't catchin any buses out of Vancouver. After a few unsuccessful ideas to try to catch a ride out, i prepare to spend the night downtown in Vancouver. To keep myself awake, i decide then was a good a time as any to familiarize myself with the area. So i walk from the sea bus up seymour to the bridge, then down granville to the seabus, then up howe to the bridge. Then at about the time i passed out and stumbled into a hooker, i decide no more walking for a bit. So i apologize to her, and hang out and have a smoke and shoot the breeze. After she got boring i decided to try to find a place to relax so i sit down in a little alcove and try to bundle up a little, when all of a sudden a bus pulls up in front of me. I had no idea there were night buses! This one was going to UBC, i thought shit what the hell i might as well go for a ride to look at stuff because this walking shit sucks. So i head to UBC, and then when we get there, explain to the bus driver that i'm an idiot and i need to go back to the other end of the line. This killed an hour or so and gave me some very valuable rest time to build up my 5th wind. So i get back downtown, get up at the bus stop and then with agility coming out of nowhere, dodge the guy that stumbles and pukes right in front of the door. As i am standing there trying to figure out what the fuck just happened, the paddy wagon pulls up. I bolt, figuring even though by this time my weed had worn off, the sleep dep and red eyes could be mistaken for drug use. So i stop and catch my breath and end up talking to some crazy 60 year old homeless guy for a while. About 5 minutes of this and i'm thoroughly creeped out, so i leave to go find something else to do. That's when i realized i hadn't eaten in about 10 hours so i wander around looking for some food. That's when i run in to the same 4 dinks from the bus!! Luckily they were too drunk to recognize me and i slipped right by. As luck would have it, there was a 24 hour McDonald's just down the street. A really nice one actually, with comfy leather chairs and 4 TV's. So i much a few msg burgers while watching The Beastmaster.. thinkin to myself, this looks a lot like the movie we were just shooting! Cheesy b rated low budget crap, yay! I could only put up with that for about 5 minutes, so i strike up a conversation about the news with the cracked out old dude sitting next to me. That also.. lasted about 5 minutes. At this point i only have to wait a half hour or so for the first B-line to richmond, so i decide to go chill out at burrard station and wait. I sat there for about 5 minutes until someone came begging for money. I'm sure about 30 people had asked me for money over the course of the night, but this one was really weird. It was middle aged man wearing a suit, claiming he lost his wallet and was trying to get enough money for a cab ride home. I tell the guy, as a rule i never give something for nothing. So he sells me a lighter that's 1/6th full for a buck. After he leaves, another guy comes up, this one an obvious dirty creepy old guy. I prepare to tell him he ain't getting my money, but he only asks for a light for his smoke. So as my rule breaking good deed for the day, i give him the crappy lighter. Then i meet to kids from Richmond who were also catching the bus back, because they spent the night in the paddy wagon! The same one that i thought was gonna bust me. So we all hopped on the b line and i listened to their stupid drunken stories all the way back home.

So now i'm home, safe and sound, which is weird. I've always been really uncomfortable downtown, but i actually kinda got to like the place. It's really nice at 5 am when there's no people around. While i am sure i never want to do something like that again, i actually look back on it as a fun adventure. It's the first time i've been left to fend for myself in an unfriendly unfamiliar area, and i think i handled it quite well.

I have now been awake for 42 hours straight, and at this point, have no interest in going to sleep. In any case, i plan to spend the next long while in the safety of my own home, in front of my dear old friend Mr. Computer. I hope you enjoyed my incredibly long story, and please forgive the spelling and grammar mistakes :P Good adventures to all of you!

First week at work

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 19:31:28 GMT

So far the job has been everything i'd hoped for and more. It's a lot easier than BP. I get along great with the 2 other people i work with. I only work with 2 other people so there's no one around to bother me all day. It's a very quiet day, i spend most of the time by myself just driving around on the forklift. The hours are a little screwy. 3-11:30 makes it rather difficult to do anything else during the day. Given a little time though i'm sure i'll settle back into my natural sleeping habits. This week has been a little annoying as i've been woken up every morning and sent to bed early every night. That's what happens when you crowd 5 people in a 3 bedroom apartment though. Once Mel and Wade are gone, and i get my first check, life will be boring but secure.

WOOT!

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 02:23:02 GMT

All the stress is slowly washing away. Over a month of being depressed about a methodically accumulating debt is now over and done with. My wonderful friend Ashley got me an interview at her work, and i got the job :) No more BP. Almost a 50% wage increase, and to top it all off the new job is a 4 minute walk from my new house. This debt will be squashed under my wallet.. mwaha! Only a few more steps to achieve my goal of being able to order pizza whenever i feel like it! 3 cheers for pizza!

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 19:34:43 GMT

First day in the new house.. it seems pretty cool so far except for the no furniture and no food thing.. and the feeling like shit. I hope it's not a sign but walking home from dinner yesterday i got sick just totally out of the blue. Luckily a little mj medicine took care of that. I think it was probably from just a nasty day all together. 8 hour shift at work then coming back to a 4 hour move, most of which was walking up flights of stairs over and over and over and over again. Oh well. I look at this as the first day in my new life. Too bad atm my life is basically empty! :(

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 23:55:22 GMT

so... we're moving.. I think. It's 5 o'clock and we've barely started.. i wonder if i should just play eq? :P

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 06:05:26 GMT

I can't wait to have a lock on my door!

Sun, 23 May 2004 17:05:46 GMT

..... it begins... /sigh

Worst day ever

Sat, 01 May 2004 06:38:16 GMT

It all started off well and good.. i got to sleep in which was more than the rest in the house. Then i started playing NHL, and although i am the best player in the world i almost lost to the la kings on medium difficulty... OMG. Then things looked up because Neil came to visit and clean up his car, and was kind enough to give me a ride to work. That's when i knew the world will end. The minute i walked in the door, we got slammed harder than i can ever remember, it didn't stop for 5 hours. I was stressed, bitching at servers, almost going completely insane. Then my manager thought it would lighten things up by smacking my ass with a spoon... to which i replied, "That's a good way to get a punch in the head". He didn't like that very much and left for the rest of the night. After work i thought i was gonna relax with a couple beer, which had been my light at the end of the tunnel, to help me over the hard day. Nobody showed up :( So i decided to catch the bus home. When i get to the bus stop i find an insane drunken homeless crack victim screeming racial slurs and threatening to kill chinese people. Everyone was scared away from the bus stop except me. All i could think of was i must catch the bus home.. i wanna go home so bad. Turns out, the freak took quite a liking to me, proceeding to ramble incoherantly about how they hurt her children and raped her, and some girl telling her she slept with her husband. etc. etc. Not really anymore storyline like what you would expect, just completely random sentences full of anger. This was made all the much better because of the fact she thought i was cute and got close and starting leaning on me and everything. I took it in stride for a while, figuring i could just wash my jacket... but them she said, "let me show you something" and proceeded to take off her pants. I finally snapped, "WHOA Hey lady, i'm just here to catch the fucking bus home." Hoping that'd make her not like me anymore and leave... nope.. another 15 minutes of her in my face with her alcohol breath, it was Bacardi 151 though so at least it was an alcohol i liked. So then i FINALLY get on the bus... i'm driving around.. thinking about what a FUCKING RETARD that chick was. when suddenly i look up and find out i missed my stop! So i get to take the extra long scenis route home. I get home and i'm thinking YES.. i'm still alive and my wrists unscathed. Take a nice shower and walk into the computer room to hear my monitor had exploded moments before i walked in the door. NOW... all i'm gonna fuckin do is smoke pot, drink beer hopefully, play video games.. possibly video games that involve extreme violence and death.. HEEE HE EHE EHEEE EHEE /em passes out

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 01:09:06 GMT

I just found a bee in my bathroom, he looked like he was dying. I took him outside and put him on a flower. Maybe his last moments will be nice.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 00:57:24 GMT

He was a simple man. He loved having fun, his own way. As a teenager he loved cars, girls and partying. He moved out at an early age to get away from his parents. Both he and his parents were stubborn and opinionated. He met a girl in school with whom he fell in love. They married and had two sons. This was a very hard time for him, the childrenput an end to his way of life, and he couldn't find a career he was interested in. As the children grew up, he became overwhelmed with the cards life threw at him. However, always the trooper, the man pressed on through the hard times, working hard to support his family. He went to school to learn how to deal with problematic children and did very well. After school he moved his family up to a beautiful town on the west coast of british columbia, where they seemed much happier. There his career took off, and he became the president of social services, and his wife the secretary/treasurer. The financial situation finally was working in his favor, while unfortunately the family situation ever worsened. Unable to handle the stress of a demanding job and his family life, he turned to alcohol as an escape. This only created problems especially with his younger son. Strong willed and angry at the world, his son was the first to confront the man about his problems. Even though they were so alike, they could not see eye to eye, and that led to many arguements and the alcohol sometimes lifted these to physical altercations. Eventually, word of this got out into the neighborhood and the people he worked with. Obviously it didn't sit well that the president of social services couldn't handle his own children. The family was stricken with a huge black mark, and even some criminal charges laid on the arisen. The family fled from their home, leaving not a trace. After this they moved many times, the man couldn't hold down a job and things weren't getting better at home. At a low point, his wife and kids left him while he was alseep on the couch, and moved away, not intending to tell him where. When he found out, he flipped out, packed what he could of his belongings and sold everything else for whatever he could. Talking to friends, and friends of friends, he eventually found out where his family had left to and tracked them down. Moving into an apartment a short distance away, he watched his family while he tried to get his life together. Miraculously he made a lot of progress. He stopped drinking and found a good job. After a few months his met his wife in a bar, and she took pity on him and let him come back home. Things went well.. for a while. His youngest son still didn't trust him, and wouldn't let him forget the things he had done wrong. His eldest moved away and turned to a life of drugs. He went back to the bottle, and shortly after was laid off from his job. He and his wife decided to move back home where their family was, hoping to find comfort. His eldest son, having spent all his money on drugs, and losing his place to live went with. His youngest refused and moved out to a friends house where he finished high school. Back at home, the man found no comfort, he still had trouble holding down a job. He couldn't give up the alcohol, especially now that he was back with some of his friends. A year later his youngest son moved home, thinking it would be much easier to start out in the real world having a few roots. Not being able to afford to feed the whole family again, he asked his sons to start paying rent. This didn't go over well... they got angry and moved out a few days later. His children didn't talk to him much after that. He and his wife moved away following her jobs. She ending up managing one of the biggest retail stores in canada, and he stayed unemployed for 5 years. He fell into a depression from which he could not escape. His wife stayed with him hoping he would come out of it, while at the same time condemning him for his lifestyle. Finally a miracle struck, he found a job he liked, not too far from home. It was a modest job, but it helped. Things started to look up, he finally started cheering up. He made ammends with his eldest son, but his youngest didn't want to talk with him. Then, out of the blue, he was laid off. The depression came back fast, and twice as hard. There was no escape this time. He fell deeper and deeper in a rut, becoming sick with alcohol abuse and lack of will. He starting phoning all his family, to talk to them, tell them he loved them and that he missed them... everyone except his youngest son who wanted nothing to do with him. On March 26th, 2004 his wife came home from work, to find him lying on the floor.. dead. The coroner said his body just shut down.

This man was my father, i am his youngest son.

I wish i could tell him now that i understand what he went through. I wish i could tell him i'm sorry for making his life so hard. I wish i could tell him that i forgave him... i forgave him while he was still alive, but never let him know. I wish i could have been with him at the end, to hold him and tell him i love him and make his last moments great ones.

I can do none of these things. He died thinking his son hated him. The last time we spoke, he tried to be nice, and i pushed him away. I don't even remember what we talked about it. Come to think about it i don't remember anything about him for the last 5 years, save what hard these past few weeks.

The moral of this story... don't be a fucking asshole because someone will die and you will feel like shit for the rest of your life.

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 06:56:38 GMT

Is changing yourself for someone else worthwhile; if that someone doesn't take the time to notice the change?